THE SECOND DECADE: 1969-1978

Danton Spivey

Illegitimati non carborundum

     In 1968 on the 4th of July, I was an 18 year old midshipman on my first cruise from the Stanford Navy ROTC program. ROTC was the only way my family could afford to send me to Stanford, but by this time I had realized that I just could not kill anyone. I was onboard the destroyer USS Higbee, which was in port in Vancouver, Washington, and I was in trouble for having left the ship. It was a day when they were supposed to have put me on watch, but didn’t. I left the ship to take up an offer by a civilian to fly some of us middies around in his private plane.
     The XO was royally mad at me for leaving the ship on my “watch day,” even though I wasn’t on the watch schedule. With nothing to do, I went down to the mess hall to kill time. I found a rack of paperback books, and rifling through them I discovered a book called There is a River about a psychic named Edgar Cayce. I really can’t explain what happened as I read the book, but some dormant part of myself was unexpectedly awakened, and overnight I was a transformed human being. I knew that there is a spiritual reality. I could feel the love of the Divine all around me, all inside me. I was awakened, I was truly alive! I can never describe the excitement I had for the pursuit of an enlightened and spirit-filled life. Needless to say, I quit the ROTC, but my dad insisted that I stay at Stanford and he took out loans to keep me there.
     When the USS Higbee docked in San Diego, the first thing I did was visit my best friend at his home in Los Angeles and we went to a rock concert. One of the bands was “Quicksilver Messenger Service,” and one of their songs penetrated me right to the core: a song called “Pride of Man.” It wasn’t until years later that I learned that this song had been written by Hamilton Camp.
     When I got back to Stanford (sophomore year) I began exploring every possible avenue for spiritual development. I meditated, I participated in Esalen workshops, I read everything I could get my hands on about the mystical life (I visited the East West Bookstore in Palo Alto at least once a week), I became a vegetarian, I fasted, I traveled to hear Krishnamurti talk, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at a charismatic Episcopal church, and I joined a psychic group called “Servants of Awareness,” for whom I eventually began giving psychic readings. I avoided spritualism, UFOism, etc, like the plague.
     In the spring of 1968 I visited the Servants of Awareness headquarters in Olympia, Washington. While there, they decided to do something called “latihan” and invited me to join in. I told them I didn’t know how. They said simply, “Just get quiet and if you feel yourself being moved or if you feel like singing or anything, just let it happen.” So I joined in. We did this every day I was there. I got really involved with Servants of Awareness and opened a “chapter” at Stanford. We did lots of things: brought speakers to campus, put on rock concerts to raise money (Ravi Shankar and Santana were a couple of the artists we brought to campus), held spiritual development classes, had group meditations and did work that was called “transpersonative,” and we did latihan, usually spontaneously because someone wanted to.
     Eventually, one of the folks at the Servants of Awareness headquarters, David, explained the latihan and its connection to the Awareness movement: the latihan was first received by Pak Subuh when a ball of light came upon him, sent by Universal Consciousness, and now this divine power can be passed from person to person. David had been opened in Subud in 1958 or 1959, along with a bunch of his friends, but they were all eventually “drummed out” because they were gay, or because they meditated, or because they wouldn’t bow to the rules. Many of these people joined the Awareness movement, which was founded in 1962 by Ralph Duby, a university lecturer and ex-army officer who had been in the Bataan Death March. David told me that in 1962 Ralph was living in the Subud house in Seattle (before 1960 it had been called “The Center of Integration”).

In early 1970, David told me that I should join Subud, “so I could learn to surrender.” In late March, 1970, I started probationing with the Palo Alto group. They had me wait outside the men’s latihan hall (which was at a local church) in a tool shed. As soon as they started doing latihan in the room (I could easily hear them) I would involuntarily go into latihan and was in it until the room got quiet. I would dutifully sit down and watch the men stroll out, waiting for the helpers as instructed. Being very psychic in those days, I was particularly struck by a man named Harris (I am pretty sure it was Harris Clemes) whose chest would shine like the sun whenever he walked out. During this time, I was told that some poor soul named Husain Chung was being told that he had to quit his job teaching psychodrama workshops or quit Subud, which shocked me (I don’t know if this is true or not).

Danton Spivey 1971

     I went home for summer break in the middle of June after 10 weeks as a probationer. When I got back in September, I asked to resume my probationing. “Oh, no,” the helpers said. “You have to start over.”
     By mid-December I had finished my (second) three months. “We will test,” the helpers said. “No,” they said after that. From what David had told me, I knew what was going on. They didn’t want “my kind” in Subud. I was too “out there” for them. But I decided then not to let them keep me out. “Illegitimati non carborundum,” I told myself. Now after every latihan I demanded that the helpers test about my opening. They did so about once a week. But each time the answer was the same, “NO.” Finally, on January 21, 1971, after I had been doing latihan for almost two years, and after 10 months of probationing, and after the helpers tested, a very kind helper named Herbert (who I think was Herbert LaMotte) told me that he and one other helper were going to open me over the protest of other helpers. I was delighted to see that the other helper participating in my opening was the radiant Harris.
     Soon thereafter I began getting lectures every week from certain of the helpers: don’t meditate, don’t mix, don’t be a vegetarian, don’t use drugs, don’t drink alcohol, don’t have sex, don't listen to spiritual teachers, don’t read anything about spirituality except religious texts (like the Bible) and talks by Bapak. And this was repeated over and over. It was an endless assault. I half expected them to tell me I had to wear an Indonesian hat and smoke kretek cigarettes (not that I didn't think the hats were very cool looking and the smell of the kreteks very aromatic). After latihan we got together to have tea and I started to get to know some of my new brothers a little. I dare not talk to any of the women for fear of the helpers. But after a month or two, the tea was cancelled. “Bapak says that after latihan we should go straight home,” the helpers explained.
     I brought about a dozen people from my Servants of Awareness group into Subud. They had all quit within the year. They thought Subud helpers were Nazis and they all felt “drummed out” because they were gay, or because they meditated, or because they wouldn’t bow to the rules. But not me. I wouldn’t let the helpers drum me out. Illegitimati non carborundum.

Responses to this article
Emmanuel Elliott
     Great to read your account of how you came to Subud - a triumph of the spirit if ever there was one! Love, Emmanuel

Sandra Harrington
     Thanks so much for that witness. I am so pleased that you have shared it in print.

Rachman Cantrell
     For some reason back around the time Danton found Subud there was a mistaken belief that helpers should test about whether or not someone should be opened. I am not sure where this came from but it seemed to be widely accepted at the time. I was in San Francisco then and I remember the helpers testing on a particular man almost weekly and receiving 'no' as to conducting the opening process. Finally after several months Bapak happened to be in San Francisco giving a talk and he was asked about this person and why the helpers kept getting a 'no' as to doing the opening. Bapak seemed surprised by this and explained that it was not necessary to do testing for anyone who has done the three month applicant period and to open this man immediately. He made it very clear that testing was not necessary for anyone who had completed the applicancy period.

     After that I believe Bapak sent a clarification letter explaining the above and many groups gladly gave up the practice of testing on whether to open someone or not, but in case there are still helpers who might believe this is necessary or desireable I wanted to pass on my experience since many people did not hear first hand what Bapak had said on this subject. Testing after the waiting period is not something that should be done and can cause bad feelings with new members who feel they are being judged or are spiritually faulty in some way if the testing is not positive. Danton's article is a good example of the negative consequences of this practice.
     I hope by this time we as helpers and Subud members are more welcoming and accepting of new people, and I ask forgiveness for anything I might have done that may have caused ill feelings or hampered the opening process in the past. As human beings we cannot avoid making mistakes but hopefully we can learn from them and not continue making the same ones over and over again!

Danton's comments
     Based on a conversation with a close friend (who is a helper), I must add this: in case anyone has doubts about Rachman’s clarifications above, please refer to Bapak’s Advice and Guidance for Helpers. Two quotes: “The maximum probationary period is three months...” and “A man or woman... wishing to enter Subud should first become an applicant for three months at the most.”

Irena Garrett

And so it goes...

I started going to "probationer" meetings after years of searching for the fulfilment to my Catholic Faith. I mean I received Holy Communion and was "confirmed" but always knew deep inside somewhere that there was something more to "receiving".

Irena Garrett

I was raised a devout Catholic. I used to fast, do acts of "penance", and pray endlessly for apparitions by the Blessed Virgin Mary (my role models were St. Joan of Arc, the 3 children of Fatima, St. Bernadette of Lourdes, and St. Theresa of Avilla). I was always going to be a nun, went to 10 years of strict Catholic School and a had a box full of letters encouraging me to enter various orders of Nuns. This was back in the day when we used to write letters and use stamps. As punishment when I was naughty (my father died when I was 8, and I was raised an only child by a mother who came from the old country way of parenting, Italy!), my mother would cut off my stamp allowance so I could not write to the nuns, and when I was really bad, she would prevent me from going to Confession and Mass. I would sneak out and go anyway on Sunday mornings in blizzards. I walked 1.5 miles (with dress on, of course) to Mass...gee, those were the days.
By the time I heard about Subud (1974), I was at NYU studying voice and it was my vocal teacher Natasha Lutov who told me that my problems with my love life and my mother would all be solved by the latihan! I kid you not.
Prior to Subud, I had studied and/or tried many various practices and had been a vegetarian for many years. Oh, I forgot to tell you that the reason I didn't enter the nunnery was that puberty hit me hard, I was one raging hormone, and all thoughts of chastity had long been extinguished by the flames of fire raging in my hot little body!! (ah hem)

     Anyway, like Danton Spivey, once I passed the 3 month probationary period, the local (NY) helpers went into the ever popular & extended long testing sessions which month after month determined that I was unfit to be opened. I may hold one of the longest records for being a "probationer" - don'tcha hate the word??!! I think it was about 14 months all up that I received phone call after phone call pronouncing that the All Mighty Helpers tested yet again and yet again rec'd that I should not be opened. Thanks maybe to the intervention of my dearly beloved helper friend Hadriana Campbell (remember her and Julio Berrocal Vocal Teacher Extraordinaire? -both now passed on-), I was opened on Jan 15, 1975. A cold day in January. My opening was lovely and took place at the old Subud House on 5th Avenue in NYC. Gee, those WERE the days. My buddies were Nduka, Levanna (Rowena Ingalls) and Iliza Schmertz (Bartels) and of course, the gorgeous Paula Mason.
     I remember Melinda was Mayrav at the time, she told me that the latihan would influence me to choose good movies to see and good books to read, and indeed that is true! I remember other folks, the "Chungs" (?), Kristiana Kaleb (hey girlfriend!), Deanna and Lucien, Machmud and Lailani, Sierra, and the Pinkwaters and the Kerners, Laura Meyerwitz (excuse misspelling pls it has been a long time), Istvan Gorgenyi...we had a lot of good times in the old Subud House and my first husband and I moved the entire place into storage along with Mark Breslford and ---oh damn, her last name escapes me, always a do-er! Rohana somebody...) on a frigid day in Feb. (about this exact time of year), oh so long ago. I was lucky enough to "happen" to be in New York to help in the cleaning of the new/current NY Subud house about 13 years ago now. And guess what? We (my family, last husband and adopted daughter and old dog) are moving BACK to NY (Brooklyn) for 12 months and arrive on April 8!! I am so excited.
     Did the latihan solve my problems with my love life and mother? Yeah, sure! Several husbands later, I think I have found the guy. My mother and I made peace during the later years of her life and her life is now with Almighty God.
     And so it goes...

Don Rollins

The Birth of Subud South

Subud South is officially opened! For those of Subud South and other parts of the United States and the Subud world who were lucky enough to attend, it was a grand occasion. The weekend was filled with a warmth and joy that created a sense of brotherhood I had never experienced before. In attendance on this momentous occasion were brothers and sisters from Chicago, New York, Washington DC, Nashville, Houston, San Antonio, Dallas, Austin and Waco, Texas, the St Albans group in England, Los Angeles, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, the Oklahoma City area and Skymont, not to mention several other “traveling members at large.”
As most of you know by now, the congress was the culmination of several months of planning which all began when Labasir and Munawarah English arrived in Austin, Texas, “trying to find a Latihan” last November, 1973. Lusijah and I were visiting Danton Spivey in Austin for the first time, and before we knew it, we had “group” latihans, some age-old experience. A Subud historian and lots of enthusiasm about the future of the as yet unorganized Subud South. Soon, members spread across Texas and Oklahoma began communicating. Latihan times were coordinated with brothers and sisters in Alabama and Tennessee. The true meaning of patience was realized as we began to think in terms of weeks instead of days, and began driving literally hundreds of miles to get together with brothers and sisters to do Latihan and partake in cultural activities. The nomadic meanderings of Labasir and Munawarah across Texas and Oklahoma for Dharma Mercantile formed a gridwork which connected those of us isolated in this massive land like the traveling missionaries and horseback preachers did with the pioneers years ago.

     Then last March a very unusual thing happened. I had a week’s vacation and had been planning on a trip to the Big Bend Desert area. Labasir encouraged us to travel to Oklahoma to help Richard and Leonora Moore renovate their recently acquired home, and what was to eventually become Subud South’s first Latihan hall. I must have been quite confused, having just spent two months as a medical intern in the intensive care unit at the county hospital here, because even though we had decided going to Oklahoma was the right thing to do, when it came time to set out on our vacation, we drove west to Big Bend. Even more confusing, we packed our winter coats. Well, to make a long story short, and a very long drive short, two days later we arrived in Oklahoma City, just after a snow storm, in freezing weather!
     By this time we were used to the unexpected, so it came as no surprise that Labasir and Munawarah had arrived two days earlier and were already busy at work!
     All at once we had a caucus, and firm plans for the congress were made. I was appointed temporary chairman, Ruth Gullixson, then the national office secretary, on behalf of the national committee, had already appointed Lusijah as membership secretary. Our testing in March left no doubt that Oklahoma City would be the ideal city and that Richard and Leonore’s home would be a warm and appropriate site to hold the congress, and what better date could be found that the weekend of Bapak’s birthday June 21-23!

Editor's note: This article is from the September 1974 edition of Subud Life, then Subud USA's national newsletter. The congress minutes which followed in this article sound suspiciously like most other congress minutes. Elected officers were Don Rollins as chairman, Lusijah Rollins (now Lucia Cargill) as secretary, and Danton Spivey as treasurer. They noted that Subud-wise, the south was no longer a dry arid place with tumbleweed blowing across a flatland!

Rasunah Marsden

Me & My Latihan

     Great title, eh? Reminds me of that old song, “Me & My Shadow,” except in this case, I’m the shadow of the latihan.
     Does anyone remember the time before there was a “Subud USA” or a “Subud Canada” - the time when there was a Subud North America?
     Subud sort of fell into my lap in the hippy days when I was 18 years old, during one of the more traumatic eras I have ever lived through. “Cousin,” a hippy friend known for hitchhiking back & forth across the country basically acted like everyone’s postman. One day he came by with a bunch of magazines he’d rescued from being thrown out - & dropped them into my lap. A little green booklet fell open with the story, “Cooking With Ibu”. A particular sentence jumped out at me, about how Ibu could “switch parts of her attention”. The other amazing thing was, I seemed to be “seeing” the story of Bapak & Ibu’s visit unfold while I was reading about it - I saw Ibu & a few of the women with her enter a room… Recognizing that the content of the story I read was a lot “higher” than I was, I spent the next few months finding out more about Subud & was opened in Ottawa in 1969 – 10 years after Subud was introduced to the West. My parents didn’t learn I had been opened until several years later & of course, they thought it was a cult.
     Because I was opened that young, the first five years were somewhat tumultuous, with latihan experiences ongoing. They all stand out one way or another, but in ways more connected to my own purification than of any particular interest. The latihan experiences blended into (& affected) my life experience: I couldn’t say where the latihan started or ended, it was not something I felt only while in the group latihan. The latihan was also an education…I began finding out in rapid fire succession, “this is good for you, that has nothing to do with your right path,” etc. It also affected my hands, arms, feet legs: unexpectedly, I would be dropping things I shouldn’t touch, I would be making things differently, I would be bumping my head or I would be running somewhere I didn’t expect to be running, I would be on the other side of the world! Later on my brain, heart & organs were affected by the latihan, the feeling or thinking about something would come to a dead stop. My stomach would reject even the thought of eating something or going to some restaurant. The odd thing was that I never considered any of these things to be unusual, I just thought they were normal - however I did discover people who didn’t do latihan rarely spoke about things like this happening.
     One of the keys to the latihan experience was that it got me to focus on my talent(s) of teaching & writing from an inner, rather than outer perspective. I would learn things as I taught or wrote, sort of like a little recorder playing in the background letting me know things about the character of my students or about my own character, or alerting me to how my own stubbornness or passions might close off my efforts to understand something. This “something” could be about knowledge or character or process. As for the effect which the latihan had on my marriages? Well I can’t say the marriages were sustained, but the effect of the latihan upon them was illuminating, to say the least. A woman named Laura White, Tuti’s friend of many years, once said, “Tragedy comes in champagne bottles.” Simply put, sometimes our children are the real blessings of our marriage.

     The latihan process about religion was another matter, also somewhat tumultuous, no point in explaining at length, just that the introduction of a new religion would initially cause a clash in my feelings. The essences of Christianity, Sufism, Islam, Buddhism, (& many other religions) were experienced in latihan. Experiences about Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha. I say, “caused a clash initially” because I tended to think I was obligated to adopt them or practice them, but eventually, “All religions are One” came through & the waters became still. In a way, the practice of religion, IF you are not born to it, such as is the case often in North America, can be a natural choice. By this I mean, it is possible to have the experience that your inner self gravitates toward the religion which is most suitable to you. Bapak once said (paraphrased): religion is like (the clothing or adornment of the inner) – “the outer of the inner.” If you are preparing to come before the King (God, or Allah), you need to be prepared to meet him. My comment: There’s no way you go up to the seventh heaven & say, “Hey man, what’s happening?” to whoever you meet when you get there - the respectfulness & the prayers are the ‘way’ in which we prepare for such a meeting if, God Willing, it is meant to take place.)
     I was fortunate to spend time with remarkable people who were highly experienced in latihan over the years, who demonstrated their approaches to life’s challenges - with humor, through diligence, through many wonderful qualities which they possessed. Of all of these people, the most wonderful human being & the greatest example of latihan in motion…was Bapak. He had the most radiant, most sparkling personality I have ever experienced. Today I still marvel at the insights which he gave into the spiritual life & the actual process of the latihan. Of all Subud people I have met, Bapak was the most trustworthy, you never had the impression that he was motivated by feelings which were other than impeccable. You never had the sense that he was malicious or scheming or whatever. Sometimes for days, or something he said would return ‘out of the blue’ much later, Bapak’s voice reverberated in the inner self like a gong struck by higher life forces – the higher than human life force ones.
     I have experienced many marvelous moments in Subud, again, in the context of my life at the time. But describing them may not really be useful to anyone else. Suffice to say that the experiences were like confirmations or proofs of the power of the laithan and gave me an understanding about certain things which were otherwise not available in this world. Earlier on, it was actually better for me not to listen too closely to other people’s experiences (especially the long drawn out versions) as it would mix into my feeling too much. (Now it doesn’t matter what I listen to, that inner recorder either instantly forgets it or remembers it only if necessary.) I listened to Bapak’s, Adji’s & Ibu Rahayu’s explanations. Although willing to follow Bapak’s advice that we need to share our experiences (& not keep them to ourselves), I’ve just found they aren’t worth mentioning unless I am asked about them directly.

Miryam Gordon

A Story

     I was seventeen and started to think, all of a sudden, that I’d like to get opened in Subud. My father had joined when I was around six and I’d had a bunch of gatherings in our house to experience. (I remember one time we had a Subud member who was an opera singer do a couple of arias in the house. I wasn’t too thrilled at the time.)
     I’d been a spiritual seeker of sorts since I was little, trying to figure out if there was God and how I felt about “it.” I remember, at age eight, going to my rabbi and asking if he believed in God and how he said I would “have to figure it out myself.” I didn’t want to figure it out, I wanted to know if HE believed in God.
     I thought that if I were to get open, I should probably believe in God to do that, but was completely unsure how to know if I did. So, I said a prayer. I told God that I would “say” I believe, but it was up to God to fill up that belief so that I could feel sure.

In a period of about six months, I had a number of coincidences. They were tiny and probably not consequential to anyone else, but each time I felt “this is God telling me that (He/She) is there.” To me, they were tiny miracles. I don’t even remember, 32 years later, what the coincidences were! But after a number of them, I started to feel secure that God was really responding to me and showing me that I could believe.
Then, I went to helpers and said I wanted to get opened on my 18th birthday in August. They said I needed to probation some and I was kind of angry, but eventually realized that “I’m going to be in Subud the rest of my life, so what does a few weeks matter.” After that I was open a month later, after one month of probationing.

Halimah Polk

A Dream, a Death and a Nudge from Ibu Rahayu

A Memorable Dream
     During the World Congress in Indonesia at Wisma Subud in 1971, I spent my days basking in the latihan, Bapak’s talks and testing sessions, rehearsing with the Subud Symphony Orchestra led by Dean Dixon, shopping for batiks at the Subud stalls that had been set up all around the compound, schmoozing with old and new friends from around the world at the different tropical bistros and of course searching for a Subud husband (no luck at that time). I did, however, fall madly in love with Wisma Subud and Indonesia as did so many of us. During one of the final days of the Congress, I forcefully extracted myself from this blissful cocoon to visit the Joint Embassy School (now called Jakarta International School -- JIS) where several Subud brothers and sisters living at Wisma Subud taught. At the time, I was a credentialed school teacher in the USA so it was reasonable to hope for a position at JES so I could stay on in Indonesia. When I arrived, I was saddened to find the school was closed down completely for holidays. I remember taking a lovely betjak ride through the green lush rice paddies that surrounded the school as I returned to the Wisma Subud and the Congress. At that point, I put the entire notion of teaching in Indonesia out of my head.
     After the Congress ended I returned home to Carmel Valley, but with no place to stay—I had given up my rented apartment before leaving for Indonesia to save money. Luckily, Roger and Laurice Grafstein, invited me to visit with them. Just outside their house, they had a little tiny white trailer charmingly nestled near the chicken coop and the vegetable garden (Laurice’s pride and joy). It was mid August so the days were warm and the nights just a little bit cooler--perfect weather for sleeping in a trailer outside. Those weeks after the World Congress were almost as blissful as the Congress itself. I spent many hours at the Subud house, more hours sharing with Laurice and Roger mementos of the Congress, hanging out with their young three year old daughter Ellen, and then in the evening I would snuggle into my tiny trailer home, read a bit and fall asleep. It was there in that trailer, so relaxed and blissed out, that I had a momentous Bapak dream. In the dream, Bapak came to me and said (you’re going to laugh) you should come live in Cilandak and teach school there. And in the dream I remember protesting to Bapak, “But, Bapak, I was just there!” I was inwardly gnashing my teeth. Literally I was just two weeks out from being right there in Indonesia and riding the betjak over to the Joint Embassy School looking for work. Even so, I knew this dream was the real deal. It was 4AM and I was as quiet and clear as a serene mountain lake.
     Being young and very sincere in Subud, I began immediately to make humongous efforts to follow the guidance of my dream. Of course I had already spent every cent going over to Indonesia and attending the World Congress and was due to start back teaching in a few weeks time. Nonetheless, I trotted off to the bank to take out a loan to “follow my guidance” but they were not about to give me a penny; in fact, no one was. So after a few months of floundering around, I settled into my teaching which was sorely demanding and proceeded to COMPLETELY forget about this dream and the guidance I had received.
An Untimely Death
     That is, until three years later. In 1974, I was finishing up my third year of teaching with the Pacific Grove School District and had just been offered tenure. I was still living in Carmel Valley and was part of a very dynamic Subud group with a beautiful Subud house. In May of that year one of our young members, Leonard Roberts, who had come to us from Indonesia where he had been raised, was killed in a car accident. We were all devastated…this was the first time many of us had dealt with such a tragic death and we were beside ourselves with guilt and concern for Leonard. His mother, Aisha Roberts, flew in from Indonesia to take care of funeral arrangements and to participate in the selamatans we organized on Leonard’s behalf. Her surrender and quiet in the face of the loss of her son was a lesson to all of us. I remember her relating to us all one night what Sudarto, one of Bapak’s spiritual assistants, had told her before she had left Cilandak. That Leonard’s soul had completed its work on this earth so he was free to return to his true home and in fact this special soul had been the energy behind her coming to Subud long before he was even born. It was the first time I had encountered a spiritual perspective on death. Her quiet acceptance of her own son’s death catapulted us all into a deeper surrender.
     Aisha stayed with me during her visit and many evenings we talked late into the night…conversing with her was like eating spiritual manna. She had been in Subud since the beginning and had lived in Bapak’s home for 20 years. After a week or so had passed, I remember Aisha looking over at me and saying very emphatically, “Why aren’t you living in Cilandak?” I just looked her stunned because at that moment I suddenly remembered, oh my God, my Bapak dream from three years ago. “How did you know?” I asked. Aisha just laughed.

     Two weeks after our conversation, I was on my way to Indonesia for a visit. The money fell in place; a small group of Subud members was headed there and included me in their travel plans. I basically had done nothing. It just came to pass in the twinkling of an eye and in 1974 I was returning to Indonesia.
     But it gets better. I was scheduled for a month’s visit to Indonesia and settled into Wisma Subud life like a duck to water. I began to hang out with the residents rather than the guests and just loving everything Indonesian, from batiks to bamboo to gambang. It felt like home.
A Big Nudge…
     Around the second week of my visit, I managed to secure an interview with Ibu Rahayu. We met in a room in Bapak’s old house on the compound. Of course I was terribly nervous. I told her that I had some questions about living in Indonesia and about my teaching… I wasn’t sure if teaching was such good work for me…it had been so stressful teaching in California. She sat across from me, listened very attentively and then she said, Well, Halimah, have you tested about this by yourself?
     At the time I was just shy of five years in Subud and not that confident about the quality of my own receiving, but Ibu was having none of that.
     You should test this yourself, she said. Yes, why don’t you test these questions right now. You don’t have to ask me. You can just test it yourself.
     So that’s what happened. Ibu sat in her chair, got really quiet and I stood up in a state of latihan and asked the questions for myself. What you have to remember is that when Ibu gets quiet, you get quieter than you can even imagine. So the first question she wanted me to ask was how was it for me to live in California. I received it was full of agitation. I was still standing but not very peacefully; then she asked me to receive how it was for me to live in Cilandak. That was very quiet and peaceful. I told her Cilandak was clearly better for me than California Then, she asked me to receive about my work as a teacher. How was it for me to work as a teacher? That was really amazing, so powerful and so much growth and worship. She asked me how was that and I told her I was surprised that teaching was so good for me. She said yes, it would be good for you to stay in Cilandak but ONLY if you can get good work. And then she proceeded to nudge me.
     Have you been to the Joint Embassy School school to look for work? Maybe you should go over there and see if they have work for you.
     I nodded and thanked Ibu Rahayu profusely for her help. What I didn’t say to her was that the last thing I wanted to do was to run over to the school and interview for a teaching position. Testing was one thing, doing the work was another.
     I’ve often marveled at how Ibu Rahayu treated me in that interview. How respectful she was towards me. I was very young in Subud; I would have followed her directives like a cipher, but that’s not what she wanted for me. As a model helper, she gave me my self-respect by insisting that I could test these questions for myself that I had within me my own guidance. I remember talking with an older helper right after my interview marveling at how Ibu Rahayu had let me test by myself. Yes, she said, that’s the way of a truly gifted helper-never to give advice when the person is capable of receiving her own guidance…always showing respect.
     About three days later, I was shopping in the small boutique on the compound when Ibu Rahayu came in to get a gift for someone. We greeted each other warmly and she said,
     Oh, Halimah, have you been to the school?
     Not yet, Ibu Rahayu. I’m going to go very soon, I white lied.
     About a week after our interview, I saw Ibu Rahayu again as I was strolling around the compound with some Subud sisters. We all stopped to greet each other and Ibu looked at me and said.
     “O, Halimah, have you been to the school to find out about work?”
     “Ibu, forgive me I’ve so busy, but I will go. I’m just a little tired having just finished teaching in the States”
     “You should go over to the school. You mustn’t be lazy.”
     There may have been a third reminder from Ibu, but I’m too embarrassed to admit it. In terror of having to face her again without following through on her suggestion, I dragged myself over the school. Well, you may have guessed the ending. I had the shortest interview of my work life history (which has been extensive) was hired on the spot and arrangements were made to fly me back to the States, pack up my things and get my visa in Singapore on the way back. As easy as apple pie this time. I went on to live in Indonesia and teach school for three years—just as Ibu Rahayu had probably received on my behalf and just as Bapak’s guidance in that luminous dream had foretold.