THE FIRST DECADE: 1959 - 1968

Melinda (Mary-Patricia-Mayrav-Melinda) Wallis

My Life (Is) In Subud

THE BEGINNING
It was 1964, I had reached the age of 23, I was in the dumper. I had rebelled from my family and was seriously drinking.

Melinda Wallis circa 1970

I think I was a type: the “overly protected, educated, upper-middle class inexperienced” girl! Still, I had an “illegitimate baby”, as it was harshly described in those days, whom I had put up for adoption. This was a most grievous experience and I was in deep pain, and was desperate. “There HAS to be a God out there somewhere!” was my only hope. I was scared to death. There was a big black hole inside me where there should have been …what? My inner self? All I know is, it was black and empty inside me, and I had no self esteem at all. The only thing that had kept me from committing suicide was that I couldn’t figure out how to do it without it being painful. (In that case, my ever-present fear paid off!)
     I was a sheltered upper middle class East Coast girl, in spite of my rebellious activities, and the Episcopal Church was my total previous religious experience. I DID have a real spiritual experience when I was 13, and my Episcopal minister was condescending to me when I told him about it. That was the beginning of the end of traditional religion for me. Another earlier “memorable moment” toward my spiritual “awakening” was writing a paper in high school comparing the major religions. I really FLASHED on the reality that everyone was referring to the SAME “One God Almighty”.
     So, within a few months of arriving in San Francisco in 1964, I had been told about Subud, (by Howard (Leonard) Dixon) and so I was there. It was the weirdest thing I had ever been exposed to, but I was indeed desperate. Subud San Francisco was big, loud, drug-ridden, feisty, amazing. Sitting on the floor of a coat closet outside a big loud latihan was like being on another planet. When a naked lady walked down the hallway one day, visiting both the men and women applicant’s rooms, I was paranoid enough to say to myself: “This is a test!” Someone else had the presence of mind to throw a coat around her.
     The lady helpers would come out of Latihan, glowing, and sit down and talk with us, the “great unwashed.” What patience. We thought they were soooo spiritual… “Yes,” they laughed later, “and we’ve been in Subud all of three years!”
     Sit quietly outside the latihan for three months? Wow. One time we made so much noise talking and laughing that a helper had to pop out and tell us to shush! I remember trying to read “All and Everything” while sitting outside Latihan. I read the same page-long sentence over and over and over, and finally gave up. What a relief.
     Was anything happening to me? I have no idea. I certainly was worried about what would happen NEXT. Did we have to undress to go into Latihan? Was someone in there conducting? Certainly you could hear a lot of people laugh all at once, and then stop laughing all at once…
     Once inside the mysterious room, I mostly peeped at everyone a lot, and then started to cry. I cried for months. Stopped wearing eye makeup; why bother. All I did was cry anyway!
     Meanwhile, in the outer world, I had a job-it seemed I was the only one around me who did. My desperate drinking and sexual flings went on, but gradually I got told inwardly to cut it out (these activities began to feel dirty, unclean, not so pleasurable). I was just trying to survive. I was selling books door to door, and the discipline required for that was useful. Fact is I was not a very successful hippie-I was too fond of having a place to live and food to eat. I can’t go into the details of those days, but I will say that being part of a large group of interesting people in their 20’s gave me, and all of us, a social context, an anchor. Many of us are still in Subud, and still friends. That alone is so valuable.

ANSWERING THE BIG QUESTIONS
     I am reading a book, now, in 2007, called Natural Grace. It’s a lot of philosophy about religion, humans, the soul. I am so grateful that I don’t have to puzzle any more about all that. I used to have some Big Questions, which seem to have gradually gotten answered inwardly over the years.
     In my first year of Subud, I was working for a door to door kids encyclopedia business. Werner Erhardt, who eventually started EST, was the manager of the office. He was trying to answer big questions, too. He was exploring, at the time, “Mind over matter.” Self improvement of all sorts. Self hypnosis. He’d teach these earlier “positive thinking” techniques to the sales staff, in hopes of helping people to have better sales. All these efforts were focused on being able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. As time went on, I’d see that yes, you could achieve quite a bit by using all these outer techniques and disciplines, BUT- you were still the same person ,with the same faults. I saw that doing the Latihan put you into the process of purification, which ,over time, changed you inside, and that way some real progress was achieved.

     Later I could see that there was nothing wrong with using outer disciplines to try to improve, or to change habits, but, for me, it had to have surrender to God as the BASE of operations.
     SO, many big questions have come and dissolved. Some I have “tabled,” in a file folder called “Things I hope to Learn About Someday.”

THE EMBARRASSMENT OF HOW I USED TO BE
     I believed what the helpers told me when I was an applicant. They said we’d go through this process of purification, and see our faults and they’d be cleansed. OH, how terrifying! All I ever saw were my faults, I had NO self esteem, I was desperate for love and attention, and I knew I couldn’t stand to get the load of myself all at once. But then someone said, “God will not give you more than you can bear.” Well, for some reason I believed that. Many of us laugh at that, because we know how close to the edge of the cliff we have been many times!
     So, the way I would see a fault, is that a certain behavior would start to make me feel ashamed or dirty when I did it. Gossip is my favorite example of that. In fact, to try to curb the gossip, one Ramadan, a Subud sister and I were working in the national office, and decide to stop talking to each other altogether, to curb the gossip. It was exactly like saying “Don’t think of pink elephants”, and it worked for about ten minutes! So through the years, mostly through interactions with others (unfortunately, it’s the rubbing of the rice grains together), I “get” to see my behaviors. Oooh, ouch. Wanting to be rescued by others, Paranoia. Arrogance. Egotism. The wish to be right. Greed. Laziness. I’ve sure still got Pride, because I hate to cop to all this! But its also a relief, because if I have to accept my own shortcomings, I have to accept the shortcomings of others, and be merciful to myself and others.
     What an education it is. I can now, with the assurance of bitter experience, agree with the statement, “harmony is more important than being right.” But still, I LIKE to be right,it feels good! Only sometimes I can shut up, and not insist that I’m right. Sometimes I can cheerfully say, “Ooops, I was wrong!” SO I’m definitely a work in progress.
I am convinced that this purification business is a bottomless pit, and will go on forever – however long that might be. God is always coming up with yet another surprise!
Someday I may look back to August 4, 2007, and be embarrassed by how I was today. And laugh and laugh!

MY LIFE NOW? I LOVE BAPAK
     I do, I love Bapak. It’s just that simple.
     I say that I am a “Bapak’s Man”. So is Peter, Lester, Latifah, Mardijah, and a number of others. Peter called him “the boss”, and that’s right. That’s who I work for at Subud USA.

Melinda's son Emmanuel and his wife Larissa wed in June, 2006

I have a theory about Bapak, which is that he went to lengths to make sure we knew he was “an ordinary man” (haha). I believe that he REALLY did not want to be set up as the next Jesus Christ. I mean, some of his enterprises failed. He had diabetes. He had heart attacks. He went and died before we thought he would! And we worried,”Would the latihan continue after he died?” Well, YES! I think all this was to help make sure that we got it, that this great gift he passed on to us was indeed all about our own individual relationship directly with the One Almighty God.
Bapak in Paris in 1964
     “God knows what is right and what is wrong with each one of you. Therefore do not claim or consider that you are more right than other people. For in fact such an opinion indicates the contrary. People - here Bapak is talking in general, brothers and sisters - who are always bragging about their intellect and claim to be clever, are in fact the stupid ones. So it is clear that if you blame other people, you are the one who is wrong. If you were not wrong, you would not blame others; instead you would give them guidance. And what enables you to give someone guidance is, of course, that first you are able to understand the feelings of the person you are going to guide. That way, you will not be criticized afterwards, and the people you have advised will not be angry or disappointed with you.
     “And if you are fond of blaming other members, or like to maintain that your opinion is right, your behavior is in fact motivated by the desires or passions in your heart and thinking; and these desires are the tools always used by the low forces that are below the level of your soul as a perfect human being. Whereas if you do not do that, but are patient and do not blame others or yourself, it means that you are protecting your inner feeling against the influence of the desires that are manipulated by the low forces.”
     You know what I like best about that? Bapak said to not blame others OR YOURSELF! Wow. Don’t even blame yourself.
Wow.

Editor’s note: Melinda is now the Subud USA office manager, and most believe she is the Subud USA miracle worker.

Helen Richman

Guess what we did on Howard's first birthday?

     The year was 1959 in New York City. I received a call from my dear friend, Osanna Gooding, (then Phyliss Love McGee) asking if I would like to attend a talk on a spiritual group called Subud by a British physicist, named John Bennett, at the French Institute. Since I was alone that evening (my husband, Peter Mark, was in Los Angeles shooting a television film), and I had a baby sitter for my infant son, Howard, I said I would like to go.
     Osanna and I had met as actresses in a summer theatre in upstate New York in 1947. All through those early years of our deep friendship, we had discussed spiritual matters along with our mutual love for the theatre. Peter Mark and I had been searching but had never found anything that seemed right for us. I was eager to attend the lecture.
     From the minute John Bennett began speaking, I felt an inner response to his words. I particularly remember being fascinated when he said, "You will begin to know where all the different forces in you are coming from". Being an actress, I had always been over-dramatizing many events in my life and relationships. I felt a certain freedom come over me from Mr. Bennetts remarks, and I knew this might be something that would help me control my emotions.

Peter Mark and Helen Richman

Osanna and I, and her ex-husband, James McGee, all signed up as "probationers" that evening. I knew that Mr. Bennett would be giving another talk when my husband returned from the West Coast. I thought, "Oh my, he better be interested in this or we're in trouble!" Well, Peter Mark and I attended the next talk. I was a little alarmed as I watched him fall asleep. As he awoke he said, "Where do I sign?" Thus began our journey in to the most important aspect of our lives.

We were opened on April 30th, 1959, exactly one year to the hour from the birth of our son Howard. We were supposed to be opened by Bapak and Ibu, but their plane was late, so we were opened by Elizabeth and John Bennett. We thank God every day for the incredible gift of the latihan.

Asa and Oswald Lake (interview by Melinda Wallis)

Our first years in Subud

     Erling Week, Francis von Kahler, Ferri Farkas (east coast), Earl Robinson, Bob Prestie, and George Fields (west coast) were those who were responsible for first bringing Bapak to the USA. In 1959, Bapak returned to Los Angeles and to San Francisco. We were opened in 1959 in Los Angeles. Some people had been opened in March, and a big group of us (200 people) had to wait until Bapak arrived in July. When Bapak finally arrived, he stayed at Steven Andre’s house. There were so many people waiting to be opened, it had to be done in batches. The 200 were divided up alphabetically and spread out over a week to be opened. We drove to Alhambra, where Bapak was, from Santa Monica where we lived. Our station wagon was full of people to be opened.
     We had not sat outside of latihan. It was a big shock, the noise of those first latihans! People now have no idea how loud and wild the early latihans were.

The Briarcliff Congress (New York State, 1963)
     Briarcliff was the most inspiring congress we went to. We wouldn’t have stayed in Subud if we hadn’t gone. We were very straight people from the very hippie LA group… it was a great relief to see a lot of other “straight” people! The LA group had a limited range of types of people, most of whom wore tie dye! At Briarcliff we learned that Subud attracted a wide range of people… but not necessarily the mainstream people! Subud tended to attract people who were the opposite of the main stream. In LA, Subud had the hippies, artists, actors, musicians…. NOT businessmen!

Some firsts
     At Briarcliff we met Varindra Vittachi for the first time. He was trying to set an agenda-there WAS no agenda! In the morning we’d make up a list of agenda items. Varindra would present it to Bapak at lunchtime. Bapak would veto all the topics. So we’d come up with a new list. Bapak would veto all that, too. It would go on for 3 days, and Varindra called it “the congress in search of an agenda.” Then Dan Cahill from NY gave Varindra a note to take to Bapak. It said “Form an international organization.” Bapak said: “That’s it!”

     At Briarcliff Bapak did testing with individuals in front of the whole group for the first time. Bapak would laugh a lot, “yah, yah, yah!” He generally let us know that we had a long way to go.
     Oswald: It was the first time Oswald became Bapak’s chauffeur (people vied for this honor!). It was like Bapak driving the car through you. I just went where he said to go. Sometimes it wasn’t spoken, you had to sit quietly and listen inside to know where to go.
     Asa: There was a great feeling of latihan going on all the time among those living at Briarcliff during the congress. Part time visitors would come in after work in the evening, and they didn’t have that feeling… they’d have to get “assimilated” into the latihan energy. It was a thrill meeting members from other countries. Such a variety of people!

Tokyo Congress (1967)
     Asa: The most marvelous thing for me was- my first trip overseas! We went with our 2 kids and after a long, long flight, the thrill was looking at all the twinkling lights of Japan.
     Someone had arranged for a bus to meet us, as we arrived before the big onslaught of arrivals. The Japanese people did a great job of getting us off the plane, onto a bus and in line outside the hotel. And THEN we had to just wait there in this big line of worn out people. It lasted forever. Someone had told them that we (our family) weren’t coming, and so our room got used as a storeroom! We then had to “exercise more patience” as they cleaned it out. After we got settled we took drinks out to the people who were still in line.
     We kept our patience and our sense of adventure, and it was great! Bill and Lavana Solani, a very tall couple from LA, had such a funny time fitting into the little cars.
     Oswald: We were used to big latihans in LA say, maybe 50 people, and in Japan, maybe there were 100 at a latihan.
     Asa: I remember the latihans, but not too much meeting detail. We were happy, even though this was not so long after WWII, we had no racial animosity in our feelings. We enjoyed giving little gifts to the Japanese members, and they were very generous to us.

Editor’s note: Oswald was the second and fifth chair of Subud USA (then known as Subud North America). He and Asa live in Santa Cruz, California.

Sjarifuddin Harris

Early days in Subud

I was 21 yrs old when I was opened. It was Feb 11th, 1961, according to Jarred (Sauphan) Mayes who was opened the same evening. We were at the home of John Cooke, overlooking the ocean from the Carmel highlands. The group included Lucas Kipp, Harlan McWillis, Sam Tio, Lucia Chung from Big Sur, Lilius Adlerkron, and Rosak & Rojana Bisel from Carmel Valley. There were also Rhom and Nadine Eaton and Rosalind Wall in Carmel. Other visitors included the Tarantino’s and the James’ and the Panopolus’ who were living in San Francisco. When I was opened I was living and studying at Emerson College in Pacific Grove where I knew Reynold & Rochanah Weissinger, Robert Stewart, Malama MacNeil, Davis Ramey & Rick ? who got opened later. We all had other names at that time. There are of course a multitude of interesting stories of the adventures of this group that would take days and chapters to tell.

First I would like to relate the following about Harlan McWillis. I got to know Harlan because he was part of that first group. He was living in Lime Kiln Creek down in Big Sur Calif. He went by the Name of Ben Willis. Among his many talents was making bamboo flutes, then later in Carmel Valley he and Masuri Newel opened a bakery and made wonderful pastries and breads. I lived in another group with him in Phoenix, Arizona. He was making pottery so I commissioned three hanging pottery lamps that are still hanging in my house, and when I told him I needed a dining table and benches he said he could make them for me. He had a stash of redwood planks so he designed and made them. I still have the benches. I was sorry that I didn’t buy one of his harps. He has been a wonderful brother and friend for 46 yrs. When we needed someone to leave the 1971 world congress early to escort Sulfiati's brother (who was in crisis) back home, it was Harlan who volunteered and got him to his parents house.
Playing music was always a part of his life that was always willing to share and enjoy with all of us. His Subud family is wide and appreciates all that he was able and willing to share.

Muhammad Isman Kanafsky

How I Received the Latihan and Found Subud

     I was lying in bed late one night, while still living with my parents in Brooklyn, New York. Everyone was asleep, but I was having trouble falling asleep because my life was very miserable and I couldn't stop thinking about it. In fact I was so miserable I was thinking about possibly killing myself, although I'm sure I would never have done that, but still I couldn't stop thinking about it.
     Suddenly I heard a loud voice inside of my head saying, “Well, you’ve tried everything in your life, but you've never tried praying to God.” I was astonished and jokingly thought to myself, “I could kill myself next week, but this week I will try praying to God.” But then I realized that I didn't know how to pray to God, so I just started calling to God inside of myself.
     Almost immediately a force completely enveloped my whole being and began to shake me on the bed. I was being made to shake. My whole body shook rather strongly and I was also made to cry and call to God. This went on for at least 30 or 40 minutes and when it was over I felt very peaceful and fell asleep, like a baby.
     During this experience I was very surprised that no one woke up, because I was making quite a lot of noise. The next evening I stayed awake until everyone was asleep, because I wanted to see if it would happen again. I felt embarrassed that I might cry again and I didn’t want anyone to hear me.
     Once again I started calling to God inside of myself and immediately this experience happened again. I was enveloped by this force and did a full blown latihan on my bed. Of course at that time I had never heard about Subud or the latihan, so I didn’t know what I was experiencing. All I knew was that it made me feel very peaceful and quiet inside.
     I did this every night for about a week and then I stopped doing it. My life seemed to get better and I didn’t feel the need to do it any more. About a week after that, this voice came back to me and gave me a whole list of instructions. It told me where to go and what I should do and told me that if nothing happened, I should just go home and go to sleep. The voice was so loud I felt I had to follow it. In following these instructions I met a Subud member who I became quite close to and who felt very strongly that I should go to Subud, although this person did not attend very regularly and had many problems. Naturally I did not pay much attention to this persons rambling on about Subud and thought this person was in fact crazy.

Mhd Isman Kanafsky

     But finally, after much persistence on the part of my friend, I decided to go to a candidate meeting for people who were interested in Subud in New York City. There were many helpers and many applicants at this meeting as Subud New York was a large group at that time.
     The helpers spoke and I listened and came to the conclusion that they were all crazy, as I was a person who was never interested in spiritual matters. But I did notice while I was looking into their eyes, that these helpers seemed to have an inner peace. I thought to myself that I didn’t care what they called this, Subud or Shmubud, I wanted that inner peace.
     All of a sudden this voice came back to me and told me, “Do not to listen to anyone, but just to follow Bapak's advice.”
     I was not a person who liked to read, but I found myself reading everything that was in print by Bapak and to my amazement I found that I would remember almost everything I read. I became a walking Bapak dictionary. When someone had a question, I would remember what Bapak had to say about it, which was also beneficial for my life.
     This experience took place in 1964 when I was 26 years old. When I was officially opened on January 31st, 1965, I received the same kind of latihan I had received previously and that's when I knew what I had received that night was the latihan. The voice stayed with me for about two years and continued to give me advice, when finally I was told in a latihan, “That's all I can do for you, now it’s between you and God.” That's the last time I heard the voice and my receiving indicates that the voice I heard was Bapak’s voice. May the One Almighty God continue to guide and protect all Subud members. Amen.

Editor's note: Mhd Isman is currently a national helper for Subud USA.

Sonia Owens

My beginnings in Subud in NYC

     In the fall of 1958 my husband Raymond and I found Mr. Bennett’s book Concerning Subud at the Edgar Cayce library at the Association for Research and Enlightenment in Virginia Beach. We were very interested, but found out that Subud was only in London at the time.
     We shared the book with an actress friend of ours, Susan Strong. One day we met her at NBC on the third floor where all the actors hung out waiting for work. She came down the hall shouting to us, “It’s here!” “What is here?” we asked. She said, “Subud!” Mr. Bennett was coming soon to NYC where he would be giving lectures on Subud and arranging to start a group.
     So we attended a talk by John Bennett in November of 1958. I believe that Reynold Osborne was there, and perhaps Erling Week. We were very moved by John Bennett, both by his message and his great enthusiasm for the latihan and for Bapak. So we signed up to be opened. This happened to me on January 28th, 1959 and Raymond was opened on Feb 2nd 1959.
     I was opened by Elizabeth Bennett and there were possibily as many as 100 women in latihan. I can’t remember the name of the hall, but it was somewhere on West 58th St in NYC and maybe had something to do with the Martha Graham Dancers. Perhaps it was their studio. At my opening were Alfatah Kerner, Julia Schusterman, Virginia Bonner, Lucienne Farkas, Salamah Pope (who was Mr. Bennett’s secretary) among others.

     We had no preparation for the opening. It was scary, weird and exhilarating. Someone was running around the room yelling like she had just been goosed, another threw up, and some were crying. It was noisy and wild. But never opening my eyes, I tried to relax, and at one point I thought my arm moved up by itself. “Whoa! What’s happening here?”
     After the latihan everyone seemed very happy and “normal.” I thought perhaps I would try it again. I asked Julia Schusterman just how long we were supposed to come to latihan, and at what point would we be truly surrendered and become deeply spiritual like I assumed all these “helpers” were. She looked at me with her typical “Julia” sternness and said, “Well, for the rest of your life of course! This is a life commitment.”
     How little did I know that 50 years later I would still be here, still asking the same questions, still waiting for the “angel within” to take over. I wonder—if I knew then that I was not going to be supercharged, transported to a divine state within six months, would I have come back for that second latihan?
     I’m glad I did though, because of those few special transforming latihans that were given to me as special gifts, when you know, you really know, there is something greater than your everyday self, something that is more real than life as we perceive it, and something that you cannot reach with your mind or imagination, no matter how hard you try. It has happened to me and I am very grateful for those glimpses of REALITY. For a few moments here and there, I knew, I really knew! For that I have to thank Bapak and his gift to us of Subud.

George Helmer

Subud Woodstock – 40 YEARS!

Late in the summer of 1967, I was managing a rock band of college friends – and friends of friends – The Joyfull Noise – and we moved from Chicago to Woodstock, Vermont. Shortly thereafter, David Hanni, one of the band’s leaders, found and was impressed by John Bennett’s Concerning Subud,

Woodstock Subud House

as he was making his way through my mother’s large collection of occult literature (my parents Charles and Lucy – later Stella – had been opened in 1965). She told him there were Subud “helpers,” Maynard and Lilliana MacDonald, living and teaching nearby, at the Mountain School in Vershire, and several carloads of us drove over to investigate. Maynard was perfect for us at the time – Buddha-like and perpetually smiling. He told us about Bapak’s receiving, and the latihan which could passed along to others – no rules (other than separate latihans for men and women), no dogma, no prerequisites, and each of us might receive our own individual proof that what we were practicing was worthwhile and powerful.
I believe we all asked to be opened, and three months later we were: David (later Machmud, deceased), Phyllis Rowe, Charles (now George) Helmer, John (now Lucas) Rowe, Bruce (now Daniel) Foster, David Hanni, Wally Pugh, Eric von Ammon, Jane Robinson, and Jonathan Conner. I was opened on my 23rd birthday, December 12, 1967.
Shirley Pumpelly had been opened earlier and joined the group for awhile. My parents (Charles and Lucy – then Stella) were group regulars for the rest of their lives – 16 more years for my dad and 31 for my mom. Daniel Foster and I may be the last of these first members, living and doing latihan, but throughout the late sixties and well into the seventies, Subud Woodstock grew – at one point we had about 40 active members. During those early years, despite Bapak’s unrelenting advice that we should be “normal,” most of us in Woodstock were not. We were instead enthusiastically in pursuit of a utopian “counter culture,” which made for wonderful but not very productive existences.

Every group, every Subud member, has many stories, of course, so I’ll limit this to just one of mine. For me, Bapak’s personal guidance has been invaluable, irrefutable, consistent, sustaining, a great blessing. In the summer of 1973, Subud Woodstock decided to build a Subud House. None of us were professionals, but we struggled and hammered and by winter we were well along with the project. In those days many of us had plenty of “time on our hands,” but as the weather grew colder only three people kept working at what was still very much an outdoor project. Every day, at a pace that only frozen, amateur, fasting-twice-a-week carpenters could achieve, Roland Heijn, my brother Hamilton, and I built that Subud House. Roland and I later became professional builders, and brother Hamilton has a respect for north-country carpentry that may be unique among Silicon Valley Strategy Consultants. At any rate, in the spring, the group returned to help close the building in, and three years later they took out a $9,000 mortgage to have my business complete the final details in time for Bapak's first visit to Woodstock. There were well over 100 Subud members in town when Bapak came in that fall of 1977, and the house where he stayed was generally swarming. But on the morning Bapak came downstairs and asked to visit our Subud House for the first time, only three people happened to be available to take him there: Roland Heijn, Hamilton Helmer, and myself. As Bapak admired our work, I realized that winter of frozen carpentry had been not been some gruesome exercise in “prihatin,” but an enormous privilege, for which I have always been grateful.
We experienced Prio Hartono and all sorts of “enterprises,” Varindra and Lestari Vittachi built a house near our Subud House, and Bapak came back again in 1979. But eventually, the group could only retain the members who were actually able to make a living in Woodstock. For many years, the core was Charles Helmer (my Dad, architect) and three builders: Lucien Hinkle, Roland Heijn, and myself – and our respective wives: Stella, Rosanne (now Marinna), Helise, and Gail. In all, about 80 members resided here at one time or another, but since my mother died in October ’98, there have only been five regulars. Our house is in good repair, however, we have a regular latihan on Mondays at 7:30, and we welcome visitors – of course!

Rozak von Hohenstein

The Story Of My Opening

     On Saturday, May 16, 1959, I attended a talk given by John Bennett in Chicago. His talk was a kind of elaboration on his book, Concerning Subud. He invited us to return for more information on the next day.
     At the end of his talk on Sunday, he invited all of us to return that evening if we wished to receive the latihan. I returned and entered a large room with subdued lighting. Bennett said, “Begin.” I stood relaxed for about a half hour during which I neither moved nor made any sounds. (What a letdown!)
     The next day I went to work and finished early. In the afternoon I gathered my music together and went to see my piano accompanist. In the middle of a group of Brahms lieder I suddenly stopped singing because I felt a few drops of water fall on my head. I felt the top of my head and it was dry. I looked at the ceiling and it was also dry. Excusing the interruption, we started the song again. I felt more drops of “cool water” and it began to feel like it was penetrating my skull and going inside my head.

Needless to say, my practice session did not last much longer. I made some kind of excuse and went home. The “drops of water” continued and before very long I felt like the whole inside of my body was filled with a cool mist.
This gradually disappeared over the next few days and subsequent latihans just brought this “peaceful coolness” back.

Peter Mark Richman

Filming Bapak

Peter Mark Richman circa 1980

Oswald Lake asked me to shoot a film of Bapak during his USA visit in 1963. I was rather shy about intruding in Bapak’s space and privacy and resisted, but Oswald insisted if I remember correctly. So, after we got permission from Bapak I slung my dependable 8 mm Bolex camera over my shoulder and greeted Bapak–followed by the gushing entourage of members at the LA airport, and I tailed him diligently and probably annoyingly, for as long as he was in LA and the trip to Disneyland.

Thankfully, I caught some very private moments of Bapak and Ibu in the garden behind the Lake’s home. At Disneyland, every time I came in for a close-up of Bapak’s face, he turned away, but I solved it in the editing–I just picked up another shot where he turned into my new angle! And strangely, when I got too close (under his chin with a telephoto lens)–the film didn’t develop! I am extremely pleased to have a made an informal record of one of Bapak’s visit in the Sixties, and to see him smiling and enjoying himself just like any other tourist on a visit to Los Angeles.
When I completed the film years ago I sent Bapak a copy and additional copies all around he world. After I transferred it to tape I gave 100 copies to Subud USA (Melinda) and they were for sale to the members. There are copies available there.

Note from Melinda–see this film at the National Congress!
Editor's note–see petermarkrichman.com.

Rashad Pollard

Falling Into Subud–a journey

Rashad Pollard

     People seem to join Subud for as many reasons as there are members. I appear to have come from the school that had no apparent reason at all.
     In my youth I had some significant interest in the Church of England having been sent, at an early age, to a boarding school that developed such interests in a somewhat high church format. The experience, to me, had no real intellectual value. It was simply a matter of being engaged in attractive ritual, and I found that ritual, on occasion, truly moving.
     On leaving school I failed to continue with an active engagement in religious life, except that I joined a textile company in Northern Ireland that had no Catholics in its management above the shop floor, and where there appeared to be an unwritten rule that everyone went to church on Sundays to cement their rival social and religious practices. I went along with that.
     On graduating from Belfast University I was transferred to the London office as Assistant to the Export Sales Manager of the menswear division although it was understood that I would need time off to engage in National Service. However compulsory military service was ended in the UK in 1960. I had looked forward to this experience, having fulfilled basic army training at school, and was disappointed. On an impulse I resigned, as did my Irish roommate who worked for the same company. We collected together several hundred Pounds, bought a tent and equipment, and decided to see the world.
     We hitchhiked across Europe, into Turkey, and arrived in Iran, penniless. We managed to get jobs in rival newspapers. I worked at night as a proofreader for the Keyhan International and slowly began to save for the on-going journey. After about a year my Irish friend decided to return home. He had had enough! At that point one of the editors of the paper came to see me. He stated that he was, also, traveling East and had heard I was about to do the same, why not we travel together? In this way I unexpectedly found Derrick.
     The two of us resigned, pooled our somewhat meager resources and set of East across Iran, Pakistan and India. During this journey of several months Derrick and I discussed our travel destinations, as this would affect our route. Mine was to visit my cousins in Australia and then finish a circumnavigation by finding ways to continue east, presumably by boat. Derrick, however, would only say that he was going to Indonesia. I did not have much of an idea where Indonesia was or why anyone would want to go there. It appears that having been a Dutch rather than British colony my education had simply omitted to mention it.
     We were then stranded in Calcutta. We could not continue eastwards via Burma as the boarder had been closed. The alternative was to move south to Madras and catch a boat to Malaya. Meanwhile those we had met who were taking the journey westwards strongly advised that we aim for Thailand. Work was plentiful there and the environment welcoming. To get there we had to fly. So we went to the Cathay Pacific Airways office to find that, after we had sold all our camping equipment, we were a few dollars short for two one way tickets. The manager kindly issued us tickets anyway, and in this manner we arrived at Bangkok airport with just a few coins between us. It was in the last months of 1963.
     Fortunately we also knew that the Salvation Army hostel would give its guests one week’s credit. It was only a matter of finding work that would help pay the bill, before the end of that first week. This we accomplished through teaching at an English language school.
     In due course we both obtained good jobs in Thailand. I worked as an account executive in a local advertising agency. Derrick worked as the editor of a tourist magazine. We rented a beautiful, wood-varnished Thai house on the river, hired a servant and began to lead the life of two very happy bachelors in a culture that seemed to base morality entirely on the issue of what pleased two parties was eminently correct, providing no one else specifically complained!
     After about a year of this Derrick and I began to separate our ways. Until then we had done everything jointly. Now I noticed that he seemed to go off twice a week on his own. This should not have bothered me but for the fact that he refused to tell me where he went. I completely surprised myself by being deeply upset by this, and I told him so. He answered that it was none of my business, which I knew to be true, and yet this simply roused me to even further demands to know! All this came to a head one evening when we were both astonished by my insistence to know.
     Derrick then told me his story. He told it with extreme reluctance, saying that it was a very personal story, and a story that he was sure would have little in it that would be of real interest, or value, to me personally. The details of his story may have alluded me, or been obscured after 40 years or more, but this is how I remember it.
     It appears that from an early age Derrick had become quite certain that Christ had returned. With this knowledge he left school early, ran away from home, and started to search for Him. After many years of this he stumbled across a hermit who lived in Epping Forest near London. He felt certain that if he came close to this person he would find a clue to what he was searching for. After some months of living in this hermit’s twig and earth dwelling he began to feel that the hermit was unwilling to tell him anything. Then one day the hermit rudely and somewhat violently threw him out, saying that he must seek elsewhere. Now was the time, perhaps, to find what he was looking for.
     But where to go?
     Derrick set off walking south to London. After some time he reached the city, and walking down a busy street he looked up and saw a second-hand bookshop. He felt moved to enter the shop, walked up to the shelves, reached out/ and at random took down a book, and began to read. It was about an Indonesian named Bapak Moh. Subud Sumohadiwdjojo who was saying that he had received a great gift from Almighty God for all of mankind, and that this gift took the form of an inner exercise called the latihan. He had started a movement called Subud. The book went on to say that a number of Gurjief members in the UK had received this experience, and that they met at a house called Coombe Springs in Surrey near London.
     Derrick knew he must go to Coombe Springs. So he set off walking again. After a few days he arrived at a large house set in a large garden. It was a summer day, and as he walked up the drive he could see that the front door and the windows were open. But when he entered the house he could find no one there. He searched everywhere. It seemed to him that people must be about but that he was not meant to see or meet them for some reason. Convinced of this he started walking again, determined to meet Bapak in person. He would have to walk to Indonesia!

     It was in this way that we had met in Iran and this was the purpose of his journey.
     In any event Derrick, at that point had got as far as Thailand, and as was his want, after work late one evening he had dropped off at his favorite bar for a drink and the possibility of finding some female companion for the night, when he got talking to an Englishman, both of them drinking beer and looking up at the naked girls dancing on the bar. This Englishman offered Derrick a hashish cigarette and suggested that they might spend the evening together. It seemed that he knew of a strange group of people who met twice a week in a house near the zoo. If one went there and waited until these people had entered the house; they would turn off the lights and then very weird and strange noises would come from the house for half an hour or so. During this time if one sneaked in and sat on the veranda of the house, suitably fortified with some beer and hashish, one could have the most remarkable experiences. “It will blow your socks off”, he said.
     This appealed to Derrick, so together the two of them called a cab and went out to the house near the zoo. Sure enough precisely what the Englishman has predicted occurred. Then, suddenly, the noises stopped and the lights came on. At that moment the Englishman got up, rushed onto the road and called a cab. But Derrick wanted to stay. He knocked on the door and it was opened and he asked, “What is this you are doing here?” He received the reply that this was “Subud” and please come in!
     And so, Derrick explained, he had been going to the Subud group twice a week since then, and that it was necessary to go for three months before one could join in the exercise of the latihan. He added that he doubted I would be interested in this but would I now, then, please let him alone and let him get on with it.
     My response was immediate. “No, please take me with you.”
     “But”, said Derrick, “I cannot imagine this sort of thing is your line at all!”
     “Never mind,” I responded, “take me anyway.”
     In this way a few months later Derrick was opened one day and I was opened at the following latihan by Hassan Vogel, a Swiss/ Egyptian architect who, with his Thai wife, were the two helpers in a group of about 20 members.
     During this process both of us were asked whether we had any questions, and I could think of none at all! But Derrick was full of questions.
     After he was opened he told me he had not received anything and hoped I would not be similarly disappointed. I was able to tell him that I received a strong vibration that ran between my eyes and I felt wonderful and peaceful! I realized he was, somehow, sorry to hear this, as if I should have not have been so worthy!
     In any event Derrick remained in Thailand for many years, and married there. But after only a few months of latihan I had a strong sense to leave Thailand, and I traveled to Indonesia in 1965 and met Bapak. It was as if I was fulfilling Derrick’s journey.
     This is the manner in which I came into Subud, and I have been a consistent member ever since. However I later heard that Derrick returned to England with his wife and children but somehow became inactive as a Subud member.
     I suppose the most important lesson I have learned is that it is unwise to expect anything of the latihan. It is simply nothing more or less than the Worship of Almighty God free from any wish or desire. It is just a duty on us, as willed by Almighty God. There can be no other purpose for it. If I make it into a purpose, nothing comes of it. But at the same time, if I have needs or wants, and I sincerely surrender these needs and wants in the latihan, and, at the same time I set my heart and mind to work in the world with trust and sincerity then, truly, miracles have occurred in my life.
     After traveling on to Australia I returned to the UK in 1966; got a job in an adverting agency in Singapore in 1968; married my wife, Latimah, there, and was transferred to establish a branch office in Jakarta in 1970. In1976 I lived in Wisma Subud, Jakarta and was appointed as Marketing Manager for the S.Widjojo office building that Bapak was constructing in Jakarta. I also worked for a time as Director of the township development Bapak wanted us to build in Kalimantan, and I managed the development of a housing estate in Pamulang near Jakarta.
     In 1984 my work for Bapak came to an end and I decided to leave Indonesia as my children were growing up and they needed a better education.
     At that time I went to say good-bye to Bapak. My wife, however, made me promise not to ask Bapak anything about what we should do next! “We must find our own way,” she said. But after some conversation Bapak asked me what we were going to do next. I told him that I had a headhunting company helping me and they had some good job options, meanwhile we would return to the UK. Bapak sat quietly for a while and then said, “No, you should go to America!” This was the last place we would have thought of going! In any event, without further thought, my wife, our two children and I arrived in the US with tourist visas and no work! Life was difficult for us. It was hard to get a job without a work permit and we only survived through the gracious help of Subud members in the Washington DC group.
     After some months a Subud member introduced me to USAID – the US governments aid agency. They were looking for people with commercial marketing experience to help improve health education programs worldwide. They could not hire me directly because I was not a US citizen but they could hire me as an independent consultant, and this is the new work and the new life I have been leading for the past 23 years. I must confess that I am now regarded as one of the world’s leading professionals in this field.
     This is the story of the miracle of my receiving the latihan and of my life since then!

Halimah Felt

Stranger lady in latihan with snakey moving hair

     I want to tell you a little story about a very early Subud experience I had--probably over forty years ago now. It happened in San Francisco, probably 1965 or 1966 perhaps; I really hadn’t been opened very long--Nov 11, 1964 was the date of my opening there.
     What happened was that a young woman who hadn’t actually been opened got into the latihan hall with us during our regular members’ latihan. This might seem extraordinarily unlikely now, given the much smaller size of so many of our groups, but then it was so different in San Francisco! We had lots of members, lots of new people, and lots of commotion actually, so it was hardly inconceivable that someone could just slip through and go right in to join us for latihan from off the downtown street basically. And that’s just what this drugged-out but determined young woman did.
     I only noticed it myself because of what happened to me in the latihan. Remember this was ‘flower power hippy’ and lots of drugs scene in San Francisco days! Actually not a few of the members themselves were still doing quite a variety of drugs then, although I was not one of them myself, thankfully, having heard from the hip helpers (some of them only ‘ordinary members’) that Bapak strongly advised us not to even smoke grass! ... because it would only bring us ‘spiritual darkness’! And for some reason that I couldn’t explain, I was immediately moved to pay particular attention to Bapak’s advice and trust him, so I did. No more ‘spiritual darkness’ for me! In fact, the helpers had to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to ask Bapak for a Subud name until *after* I was opened! And that definitely meant ‘officially opened’! But that’s really another story … hahaha
     Back to this young woman’s presence in our latihan ... Shortly after we began, I found myself uncomfortably sprawled out on the floor (already quite unusual for me then). Struggling to keep my eyes closed since that was highly recommended, I just couldn’t; and as my eyes opened, I found myself looking up into the face of this strange young woman who was herself staring down at me. She had very long hair, and as I watched her without really meaning to, I couldn’t help noticing how her hair was moving on its own like so many snakes ... then I saw her eyes. Suddenly I knew: she wasn’t ‘doing latihan’! (In those days we generally said that we ‘did latihan’ rather than the now more accurately revealing ‘received latihan.’) Now I was beginning to feel somewhat amazed and even a bit disconcerted already ... this wasn’t quite right ... what to do? But after wondering about this for a moment, I felt I should just continue with my latihan and tell the helpers afterwards, not now during latihan. And so that’s what I later did. (However, I did get up then and move away.)
     But it wasn’t really so easy for me after I got out of latihan; I started feeling awkward and even self-conscious about it actually. I realized even before I spoke up that if I described what I actually just saw they’d probably think that I was loaded or ‘on something’! It was getting surprisingly tricky all of a sudden as I faced our dear local helpers and tried to begin pointing out and describing what had just happened. Beginning to stutter a bit, I managed to mumble that there was a ‘stranger’ in the latihan, and when asked to describe her, all I could blurt out was that ‘she had all this long hair that kept moving like snakes’ ... she was a ‘stranger,’ I repeated with all the emphasis I could muster, I hadn’t seen her before ...
     Then the always elegant and sometimes subtle Rosina Filipelli asked me, ‘You mean no latihan?’ Yes, yes, no latihan! I repeated excitedly. Lisa Atherton was there too and began explaining in a calm and caring voice that sometimes in the latihan we see things that we normally don’t see and it was really alright, when someone abruptly asked me where this stranger was now. I told the several now seriously attentive ladies that I thought she had just left while we were talking there.

     Realizing that it all must have sounded at least questionable if not slightly incredible, and guessing not only that I might have done better without that ‘spacey description’, but that we were all probably feeling some frustration with this by now, even I felt pleasantly relieved when Rosina gracefully turned the conversation toward complement-ing me on my pretty new bright yellow tennies--they were so cheerful and happy, she graciously declared! I thanked her and cheerfully agreed: yes, I really liked them too, I had only just gotten them today! We all smiled gratefully with wonderful appreciation as though we were all bathing refreshingly in one harmoniously flowing beam of glowing yellow cascading haloes, even if they were ostensibly only freshly new, and as yet unscuffed and brightly unstained yellow tennies on my ready-to-skip-happy feet.
     I was thinking they must all be thinking, “Well, she’s coming around, she’ll be okay in another minute or so.” Well, right, I’d done my best; I was pretty sure it wouldn’t help much to try to insist, or to go looking for that trippy but by now probably sobered chick to drag her back as Exhibit A ... and I had been a bit ‘shakey’ while trying to report this ‘incident,’ alerting the helpers to the fact that we had a strange lady in latihan who wasn’t even doing latihan (but at least her hair was moving!) ... after all I’d certainly never observed anything like this before myself!
     So we all seemed gladly willing to drop it, let it go now so that we could get on with more pleasant socializing, talking with friends, lots of us would hang around longer as we usually did, getting a gang together to go to Foster’s Cafeteria on the nearby corner for buttery muffins with loads of jelly and jams, countless cups of coffee and more fun talking endlessly about everything and generally laughing our heads off …
     As we all gradually dispersed and mingled with the still thick crowd mixing it up in the large open coffee room next door, I suddenly saw her again, right there chumming it up with her new friends and showing no sign of feeling or being out of place at all. At once feeling amazed all over again, I pulled aside Rosada Cantrell who was just then passing by, and asked her to please go and tell Rosina that this was the girl I’d been talking about, pointing out this regular San Francisco-type person who blended in so well with all the rest of us.
     Rosada apparently feeling my urgency, directly delivered the message to Rosina, who was almost immediately engaging our latest visitor; Moon-something is all I now remember of her name, but I was soon informed and presently introduced, while Moon-something remained quite open and candid about the whole evening and what she’d been doing there.
     I believe Rosina gently but firmly explained a few things to her, and I don’t actually recall seeing much of Moon-something again. Somehow I was eventually left with some vague impressions about how she had been blithely ‘dropping acid’ or something; some friend had told her about this great high at our Subud meetings … she just couldn’t resist, had to at least check it out. She was so stoned it was practically a miracle that she even made it into the hall at all; really amazing in its own way, I guess.
     But when I had looked into her eyes during that one latihan we both more or less attended, I knew she hadn’t really gotten it yet; not, that is, in any way she or I could possibly be consciously aware of so far … and her hair moving through the coffee room? Certainly not swaying anyone’s head … just still and soon long gone ...

Abraham Spivak

Darkness at Subud New York

Abraham Spivak

     In the summer of 1963 the Subud World Congress was held in Briarcliff, New York, just north of New York City. As was Bapak’s custom, he traveled from Indonesia and visited Subud groups in many places along the way before staying in New York City just prior to attending the world congress to be held in Briarcliff in a few days or so.
     I was opened about two years before that. I didn’t know much about Subud when I started to come to probationer meetings (“probationer” was the term applied to us) and quickly found that those called “helpers” could not tell me much about what was referred to as the latihan. That didn’t faze me, and I put in my three months.
     At that time Subud New York owned and occupied a five-story loft building, including a basement, at 19 East 21st Street, just east of Fifth Avenue. When I showed up that fall evening for my opening I was met by a gentleman who took me up to the second floor and explained to me what would take place. Then we went up another floor.
     There were chairs in the hall outside the loft. There I took off my shoes and emptied my pockets. When I opened the door to the loft I was surprised to find I was stepping into darkness. The room, about 23 feet wide by about 70 feet long I discovered later, was totally dark except for one small reddish bulb lit over the fire escape door at the far end.
     I assumed that’s how you did latihan. I could make out that there were about five or six figures in the room, all shadows of different shapes and sizes. One of the shadows approached me and asked me to relax. The other shadows grouped themselves behind him, the statement was read, and then the opening, my first latihan commenced.

     When “Finish” was said and we all filed out of the room into the lit hallway where they welcomed me, I discovered who the shadows were, among them Erling Week, Francis von Kahler and Reynold Osborne. After that, each time I came to do the regularly scheduled group latihans it was always done in darkness. We took off our shoes in the bright hall and assembled in the dark of the loft, sitting on the floor with our backs to the wall getting quiet, and then the thirty or forty of us would do latihan.
     When I asked the helpers about doing a third latihan at home, and they told me I could do that, I set aside a specific day and time when I would try to do one. I remember when that day and time arrived, I was able to persuade myself to do it. I turned off all the lights and after getting quiet I got up and stood to do my latihan. Suddenly I began to feel so creepy in the blackness. Shivery shudders ran around my back. “Oh, no”, I objected to myself, “I don’t care if it is wrong, I’m turning on a light!” I did, and did latihan.
     Skip ahead to 1963 and Subud New York was abuzz about Bapak’s coming to Subud House that night to be with us for latihan. Perhaps fifty or sixty of us lined the walls of the loft waiting in the almost total blackness, the single lit red bulb over the fire escape door at the far end of the room hardly noticeable. Quietly all the shadows sat, waiting.
     Suddenly the hall door opened and a black silhouette appeared with the blinding light behind. And that figure opening the door and half stepping into the room, was taken aback. You could see the gesture of surprise and upraising of the hands. It was Bapak, and he said, “Turn on the lights.” And that’s how simple it was, and ever after as well.

Lola Stone

Sniffing Out Subud

WHAT SUBUD MEANS TO ME

Lola Stone

     How necessary and vital is our worship of the Divine Energy to Whom we owe our very existence and the opportunity to advance spiritually through this life experience.
     Though there are many paths to the Center (and I have tried a few) but by long experience in doing the latihan, I find this to be the simplest and most direct way back to that which we really are but have forgotten or lost. It is a way of bringing about a cleansing of body, mind and soul. A curing of illnesses or weaknesses, an inner calm undisturbed by outer events, a feeling of unity with all life forms. A way to worship the Higher Power, replay our debt to life and to live out or days in peace and harmony with all beings. In essence, it is a re-connection to that whith which we came into this life.

SNIFFING OUT SUBUD
     It was 1964 and once again Long Island hosted a World’s Fair. I headed for the Indonesian Pavilion--this time knowing what it was that I sought in my multiple visits to the Dutch East Indies exhibit at the 1939 Fair. Then I had a student’s pass and for my 20 plus visits to the fair grounds, I never missed the chance to visit and marvel at its exotic cultural display. After it closed, I corresponded with an Indonesian teacher named Abdul Latif whom I had met there until the war ended all possibility of mail getting through.

     This time, the Indonesian exhibits were housed in an impressive edifice. At the entrance, I was greeted by the hostess, an attractive young woman wrapped in a kain kebaya that demurely revealed her feminine curves.
     I asked if there were someone on the staff who came from Java. There was indeed, she told me and took me inside to meet the very handsome publicity director. Later I learned he was a popular movie actor with a name like Suharto or Suparto or the like.
     When I said I had friends in Java and wondered by chance if he might know them, his eyebrows shot up. “Madame,” he said, “there are four millions people in Java, so it isn’t likely.”
     Undaunted, I went on to say that they were the Usmans, Aminah and Mohamed. His jaw dropped. “Oddly enough, I do know them.” At that, I held his eyes and said, “Then you are in Subud, right?”
     From then on. he and Ibu Mastuti, who was there to demonstrate the Indonesian cuisine. came regularly to our latihans which were held at the Owens who at that time lived nearby.
     One latihan night, the Owens got a message from Bapak for Ibu Mastuti. Her husband was dying and she must return at once. As we all know, a few years after his passing, Bapak and Ibu Mastuti married.
     Years later in 1975 at the Wolfsburg Congress, a woman in Indonesian dress came up to me and asked if I remembered her. Who was she? The hostess at the pavilion 11 years before.

Marlena Knill

Coming to Subud

I came to San Francisco from New York in July of 1966 with a strong internal feeling that I was going to make a drastic change in myself and my life. I had been an art student at Pratt Institute in NYC and spent a lot of time in bars, night clubs and disco techs, and trying on various personas. Who was I anyway? I believed I was an atheist. Soon after arriving in SF I starting seeing a man (a renegade Subud member) who told me I should come to a meeting sometime, that it was so cool with people rolling around on the floor and standing on chairs and barking like dogs and “you come out feeling so good”. It sounded like the Holy Rollers to me and I was ‘not amused’. But something began percolating inside me. I wound up moving into the Haight Asbury, connecting in a very synchronistic way with a young woman who was looking for roommates to share a ‘railroad flat’ with. That young woman was Camille Hofvendahl, now a PNW regional helper living in Portland, OR. Soon after I moved in I met and fell in love with a fascinating man named Tony Price, who also moved into a room in the flat. We would smoke pot, play music and do art work together and he would talk at length of his views of the ‘Cosmos’ and of various spiritual matters. I asked him one night something like “What are you into that I’m looking for?” He said “I’m in Subood”, with the accent on 2nd syllable, was how he pronounced it. Well at that time I was such a mess I had trouble following up on things but I was down at California Hall the next night sitting in the small room adjacent to the women’s latihan hall. I had my back against the door to the latihan. What I heard was beyond belief (the latihans were large, loud and really wild), but what I felt was beyond this world and I disappeared into some other place which was very blissful. The helpers came out and sat with me massaging my hands and talking with me trying to get me to come back. I was ‘gone’ and didn’t want to return. So with that experience I began my probationing time.
After about a month or so I had an beautiful experience outside of the latihan hall. I was standing on a hilltop overlooking the Haight Asbury in a turmoil of emotions, and very in love with Tony who’d just left for the southwest. Suddenly a strong, clear energy came down into me from above penetrating my whole being. Among other things I was given an inner understanding of things I’d always wondered about - like what makes great art. I ‘knew’ that the hand of God is in it and in all the great works. I stood there vibrating with this energy until it subsided. Unfortunately I didn’t understand that this experience had come through the contact with the latihan. Later I had another experience of ‘surrendering’ on the floor of my room one night, knowing that I could give in to it or not. I soon moved out of the city to a hippy communal farm and began a search through many spiritual practices. I kept feeling that there was a man living on earth who I was looking for. No it wasn’t the Roshi, nor the dynamic Swami, nor the Hasidic rabbi, nor any of the others I visited and followed briefly. Finally I found my way back to Subud to be officially opened Jan. 28th 1968 and I was opened with Camille. But I didn’t feel anything in particular at my opening and went back to being a Zen student. Three months later in New York City, when I became pregnant with my first child with Tony as the father I finally began to experience surrender in the latihan.

The first time I saw Bapak was in LA, August 1969. After an extremely painful year in Santa Fe N.M. trying to make a non-happening relationship work (where the latihan was not the spiritual center of our lives), but with beautiful baby in tow I walked into the Miramar meeting hall, saw Bapak and knew I’d come home. Angelic singing was coming out of the sound system as Bapak did testing with the members and I was filled with God’s Mercy and Grace. I can’t even remember the group testing I did but I do remember doing latihan in a big room with the ladies and Ibu Sumari. I very rudely sat staring at her after latihan – and she made a face at me! I deserved it. And I was given the opportunity to sew some seams of a kabaya for Ibu and experienced the seams sewing themselves as I watched in amazement!
One year later at the congress at Skymont a tremendous gift was given. My daughter was 1½ , very outgoing, strong and independent, but she didn’t have the quiet center within that most Subud children have and this was a difficulty. I was told by two women who witnessed it that my daughter, was coming up the stairs from the latihan hall when Bapak and his party were going down. She stopped and looked up at them and I was told that Bapak smiled and spoke to her and said “Anak Subud” which I’m told means Subud child. She has never been the same since. In saying this to her Bapak gave her that center, it seemed he adjusted her inner being. She was suddenly a different child and after a difficult period of adjustment it’s as if she came into alignment so to speak on her 2nd birthday. I can’t talk or write of this without an outpouring of tears of gratitude and thanks. Later in 1972 Bapak asked to meet the children at the Marin County, CA, Subud House. I introduced her to Bapak and she looked at him for a moment and threw her arms around him in thanks and he laughed and patted her on the back. She remembered the incredible gift he’d given her. And I might add, the gifts just keep coming.

Roanna Clark

How Subud Started - Washington, DC

Roanna Clark

     In 1957-58 John Bennett was planning a visit to California, and was going to stay at our house. He canceled the trip “because of a remarkable man he met from the East,” and he was writing a book about the experience. And so Concerning Subud was launched. I never located the book in the LA area. As fate would have it, we moved to the east coast, and my husband (later named “Ibrohim”) traveled extensively to the West Coast where he located the book in 1958 at George Fields bookstore in San Francisco.
     After reading the book Ibrohim began once more to track down John Bennett and found that he was due to arrive in New York. For many years Ibrohim’s interest was the Gurdjieff Movement and Bennett had been his primary source. Bennett was finally located in New York, and Ibrohim then made the decision to have the Subud Contact. I thought it sounded pretty good and a lot “easier” than Gurdjieff which never grabbed me. So I insisted on going to New York also - for whatever it was.
     Our baby sitter backed out at the last minute, and the two Clark offspring were hurriedly brought to a friend’s house for a sleep over. Ibrohim and I flew from Washington, D.C. to New York in early February 1959 - he was opened by John Bennett, and I was opened by Elizabeth Bennett in the rented dance studio. So began our adventures in the Subud World.
     Bennett had arranged a lecture for the following weekend in the Washington area for the local Gurdjieff group to hear about Subud. His Washington contact fell through, and our home became the venue for the meeting. So on a weekend afternoon in February the local Gurdjieff group met with John Bennett in Bethesda, Md. to learn about Subud. These 15 or so people were the nucleus of Subud Washington, D.C.

     The first latihan was held the following week at the local Unitarian Church where I taught in the Sunday School. Elizabeth and Pat Terry Thomas opened the women and John opened the men. I thought I heard the Angels sing but it turned out to be the Unitarian Church Choir rehearsing in the loft! For several weekends after that we had house guests from New York - at times the Bennett's, then Alfata Kerner and Pat Terry-Thomas for the women, and Dan Cahill for the men - to help the group off to a good start. An apartment was rented in the D.C. District and we had a Washington Subud Group!
     Within a few months several couples joined and some of the Gurdjieff people left. We were able to rent an apartment in Washington - an old building with thick, thick walls and a few large rooms. At some point we were joined by an “old-timer” who had done the latihan for over seven years - and one of Pak Subuh’s early followers. This was a lovely man, Mangonjaja...who, in ensuing months, told us many stories about Bapak and the early days in Subud Indonesia. In April of that year Ibrohim’s mother passed away, and I went to West Palm Beach, Florida to see the family . It coincided with the Bennett’s tour of Florida, and I was able to join them and asked to take part in many openings. A thrill for such a rookie in the latihan.
     The following year Washington Subud hosted a visit from Bapak and family, and many people were opened - a few stayed the course over the years. At some point we were able to rent a large house and even rented rooms to Subud people. We returned to the West Coast again but back again in the Washington area after attending the Briarcliff Congress in 1963. And then back to LA area in 1965.
     Life is a grand roller coaster ride in the Subud Life.

Danella (aka Raphaela) Mauguin

Events Leading to My Opening in Subud

     Although the sequence of events began much, much earlier, it was Sunday, March 7, 1965 that my wish came true. Events began on a hot summer day in 1955 just before my 15th birthday.
     That day I had the house to myself; my siblings were out and my mother at work. I was relieved and grateful to be home alone. I distinctly remember deciding not to go swimming with my friends; I needed some time alone, without distractions. I felt it was time to make decisions about the direction of my life and to do this successfully required peace and quiet. Although I made three decisions that summer afternoon, I now remember only two. Each has shaped my life in ways I could never have imagined. One decision in particular was dominant. I now wonder if, instead of making an actual decision, it was an awareness, already active within my being that I allowed to become conscious.
     I was sitting on the green wing chair in tan Bermuda shorts, one leg slung over the arm--a typical teenager's posture when no one is looking. Undisturbed and feeling still within myself, out of my mouth came the words, "There is something out there and I am going to find it." That "something out there" was a connection to the spiritual world that I knew, just knew existed. I was aware also that I had to wait. To wait for this -- whatever it was-- to make itself known. The ‘wait’ turned out to be 10 years. Later, when I was opened, I found out Subud came to the western world in 1957. This was 1955 and I was just 14 years old. So I waited.
     I graduated from high school, applied for college and began my working life. I changed jobs, auditioned for acting classes, moved into New York City and started getting involved with the Off Off Broadway theatre scene in Greenwich Village both Cafe Chino and Cafe LaMama. Life was progressing smoothly. I was living the life of every other 21 year old in my circle of friends. I hadn't forgotten my quiet determination to find whatever ‘it’ was I knew was out there and I had complete, absolute confidence that, yes, I would find it. It didn’t matter to me how long it might take. As so many events in life, it was completely unexpected when I did find it. Actually, it found me. I just listened and said, "Yes."
     I had been invited to dinner at Nancy's place on a Saturday night. None of us had any money in those days and Nancy was no exception. Her apartment was south of Bleeker Street in the less fashionable district of Greenwich Village. What we called a walk up apartment; we all had them. Some would say a tenement; the kind of New York apartment building that housed America's immigrants with the kitchen the main room. The kitchen was always the warmest room in walk up apartments--the room of comfort.
     It must have been either spring or fall; I don't remember now. It was cool and I was wearing a coat. I was ushered into the tiny living room and stood in the center --one arm still in my coat as I was being introduced to the other two guests. The dark haired young woman was sitting on her husband's lap. "Renée, this is Mariani and Herbert Weinstein." Next, I remember hearing Mariani say the word "Subud". One arm still in my coat, my body instantly turned 180-degrees and out of my mouth came the words, "Whatever it is I want it but, the time is not right yet." This was it! I knew it immediately. I also trusted when the time was right for me to join Subud, it would be made known to me. I knew I had found that spiritual ‘something’—that’s all that mattered. And I also had no idea what Subud actually was. I did know that this Subud was the answer to a search that started on that summer's day in 1955. Perfectly content, I went on living my life and waited.
     Frequently, after work I would go down to the Subud House on 20th Street just off 5th Avenue, and sit downstairs while the women were doing their latihan. This was highly unusual; no one did this in those days. I always left the building before people finished and came down the stairs. I didn’t want my own process interrupted by people wanting to talk. Forty-three years later and I still need to be silent for a while.

     Somehow I was invited to Subud gatherings, which was unusual for someone who hadn't been opened yet. I remember being invited to a gathering at Abraham Spivak's apartment in the Village when Sudarto, a helper, was visiting from Indonesia. Before beginning his talk, Sudarto carefully looked around the dimly lit living room asking in English, "Everyone Subud?" He then answered his own question, "Ya, ya." I felt perfectly comfortable and no one questioned why I was there. Of course, I didn't then and don't to this day, remember a thing that was said that evening or even pretend that I understood what was being talked about. But that didn't matter. I felt quiet at home and peaceful.
     By now, about two years had passed since I first heard the word "Subud". I had no way of knowing that my wait was about to end. On a very hot, humid Friday night in August 1964--the kind of summer night that New Yorkers dislike intensely - I was meeting a friend, who was already a Subud member, at the Cafe Figaro in Greenwich Village. I was very sick with a strep throat infection, running a high fever and just wanted to sleep. I was much too ill for a night out. I thought of cancelling the date. But how, I asked myself? Although I lived across the street from the Cafe Figaro on Bleeker Street, I didn't have a phone and there was no way I could reach my friend before he left the Subud House. So, I kept the appointment--sore throat and all.
     I chose a table in the front, left of the door. Friday nights in the Village were considered mayhem by those of us who lived there. The streets were awash with kids from the Bronx. To get away from the invasion, we all fled, heading for either the West or East Village. This Friday night was no different, very true to form. I just wanted to sleep and recover. It was a miracle I went to the Figaro in the first place.
     My companion arrived and we started talking. I remember my left hand was on the table and his hand was placed over mine. Suddenly, without warning, my eyes closed and my head went back resting on the brick wall of the cafe. My closed eyes began to move in circles within their sockets. Although I was completely aware of everything going on in the cafe and could hear my friend's conversation, I felt perfectly, exquisitely at peace with all that was happening within me. Fear was absent. Trust and bliss were the dominant feelings. My right hand was resting on my lap when it began to move. All the while, three or four minutes I'd say, my companion was continuingly stroking my left hand. Then someone I knew casually came over to our table. I could hear him talking but, I was cocooned in such a state of internal bliss, I didn't want to be interrupted. "Renée, Renée there is someone here to see you.” my friend said as he continued to stroke my outstretched left hand. I was aware of being in a public place and my upbringing wouldn't allow me to ignore this person standing at our table. I heard him say to my date, "Do you always do this to her?" I felt compelled to be polite.
     To do this, I knew I had to stop the inner process that was taking place although the inner vibration I was experiencing was getting much, much stronger and I could feel was about to change into something outwardly visible. I had no choice. I had to stop the experience. With everything I had, I 'brought myself back'. I opened my eyes and spoke some inoquious words to my visitor. He was happy and went away. I then swallowed my saliva and said to my companion, "I have NO sore throat; when is the next probationer's meeting? " Yes, the severe strep throat and fever I had had for three days were taken away. I was completely recovered. I knew my wait was over. It was time for me to begin the process of joining Subud. I began attending candidate meetings in September that year. More events followed in the next six months before my opening, but the experience in the Cafe Figaro is, by far, the most significant.
     Three years after I first heard the word "Subud", I was opened. It was a Sunday afternoon at 2PM on the 7th of March 1965 at the New York Subud House on East 20th Street just off 5th Avenue. To say that I am grateful is an understatement, at best.